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[personal profile] em_brett
I have a lot of trouble making meaningful social connections.

No, that's not quite right. It's more of an all-or-nothing sort of thing, which is one of the reasons why I think I tend toward monogamous relationships. It is very easy for me to form a relationship in which one person means the world. What's harder for me is friendship: how do people navigate the grey areas of being close but not too close? What can you tell a friend and what can you not? What is too much information? What can you rely on them for?

It's why I spend a lot of evenings in, rather than going to one party or another. Social settings with tons of people who fit somewhere on the acquaintance----good-friend continuum, not to mention a whole bunch of strangers. Mix that with some social anxiety and you have a result that's not exactly my idea of a good time.

But then I also have nights like tonight, where all I really want is for someone to knock on my door and ask if everything's all right. But to ask it in a way that tells me that they already know and I don't need to explain to them that no, there is not a rational explanation for why I feel like curling up in my bed and doing nothing at all. But that would be overstepping the friendship bounds, wouldn't it? You say the word "depression" around anyone here and they shrink back, not sure what to do or how to help or even if they should help. It's almost as if they think "well, if I do something wrong I might break it, so I just won't touch it because that will help, right?" Even though it's that very thing, the not-touching, that makes this place horrible.

And so I curl up into a ball on my bed and wish that J were here, but know that I can't ask it of her because she has her own stress and her own life. To request she spend ten hours in the car this weekend on my behalf would be unfair. Tonight, while no fun, isn't a night where I absolutely need her here.

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Emilia Brett

December 2009

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