em_brett: (do not like)
Finished the semester, home for a month, then off to the other side of the world.

I feel completely lost right now.
em_brett: (afraid of nothing hat firefly)
Finally! We've had a few flurries here and there but this is the first time anything's stuck. I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't see any this winter, since I'm to go home in 2 weeks and it rarely snows there.

I'm shifting into exams mode, which really means paper-writing mode. I've three ten-page research papers, a fiction portfolio, and a 24-hour take-home to take care of before I go home. I try to avoid going on and on about how much school is breaking me right now, but it's a difficult subject to avoid -- yesterday I had a thought that it wouldn't be all that bad if I just packed up my room and went home without writing any of my papers. Failing a whole semester's worth of classes wouldn't be so bad, right? It's been a lot of slogging through and taking the occasional half-hour break to cry and panic. Right now it doesn't seem so bad, but yesterday I read exactly one article for research. Not so good. When I called home, my mother was utterly unhelpful: all "well why don't you try x" and "well in two weeks it'll be over." True enough, but not particularly useful. Still, she's trying. J's trying, too, but she's getting over the swine and is understandably and perfectly reasonably mopey herself.

But there are, certainly, ups: last week I was home for Thanksgiving, which was wonderful as always, and mailed in my story to the Atlantic student fiction contest. Just have to cross my fingers until March now. I've told my parents that if anything comes from the Atlantic while I'm in Bali, they are to email me immediately with hopefully! good news. Oh, and other good news: two months til Bali. Yesssss.

Anyway, back to ignoring the big to-do about a recent incident on campus and doing some research. Will try to post more frequently in the future; don't count on it.

em_brett: (sunrise)
I have a lot of trouble making meaningful social connections.

No, that's not quite right. It's more of an all-or-nothing sort of thing, which is one of the reasons why I think I tend toward monogamous relationships. It is very easy for me to form a relationship in which one person means the world. What's harder for me is friendship: how do people navigate the grey areas of being close but not too close? What can you tell a friend and what can you not? What is too much information? What can you rely on them for?

It's why I spend a lot of evenings in, rather than going to one party or another. Social settings with tons of people who fit somewhere on the acquaintance----good-friend continuum, not to mention a whole bunch of strangers. Mix that with some social anxiety and you have a result that's not exactly my idea of a good time.

But then I also have nights like tonight, where all I really want is for someone to knock on my door and ask if everything's all right. But to ask it in a way that tells me that they already know and I don't need to explain to them that no, there is not a rational explanation for why I feel like curling up in my bed and doing nothing at all. But that would be overstepping the friendship bounds, wouldn't it? You say the word "depression" around anyone here and they shrink back, not sure what to do or how to help or even if they should help. It's almost as if they think "well, if I do something wrong I might break it, so I just won't touch it because that will help, right?" Even though it's that very thing, the not-touching, that makes this place horrible.

And so I curl up into a ball on my bed and wish that J were here, but know that I can't ask it of her because she has her own stress and her own life. To request she spend ten hours in the car this weekend on my behalf would be unfair. Tonight, while no fun, isn't a night where I absolutely need her here.

em_brett: (do not like)
Enter the To-Do list of doom.

Tomorrow, I must:
Practice speaking Indonesian
Meet with my professor to practice said Indonesian
Meet with my other professor to discuss my potential paper topic
Read the introduction and chapters 1&3 of Farmer, Pathologies of Power
Read a sizeable portion of Vickers, Bali: A Paradise Created

In the next week, I must:
Read the Maxwell story
Write a brief imitation of said story
Figure out what story to write my story on
Finish Vickers
Read Block, Pushed
Read the Menacker article
Write a blog post for class
Finish Farmer
Read and critique 2 stories for workshop
Practice Indonesian
Begin my story

Major things due in the next month:
Story for workshop
Progress report for faith-based interventions project
Abstract for sex in society paper
Read a whole lot of things about Bali so I can figure out on what to write that paper
Don't panic.

Ohgodohgod why am I doing this college thing?

Mmm coffee

Aug. 9th, 2009 03:29 pm
em_brett: (Default)
With two weeks left in my summer in Somerville, I have discovered a lovely coffee shop. With free wifi. For the win! Now if only I had found it earlier in the summer...

But still, there's nothing like a delicious soy latte to get me out of bed on a bad morning. No bike ride in sight -- especially since it's gonna rain soon and I am too lazy to drive out of the city -- but it's a day outside of the bedroom and outside of the bed. Baby steps. And maybe peach tart tonight.

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em_brett: (Default)
Emilia Brett

December 2009

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