em_brett: (do not like)
Finished the semester, home for a month, then off to the other side of the world.

I feel completely lost right now.
em_brett: (sunrise)
I have a lot of trouble making meaningful social connections.

No, that's not quite right. It's more of an all-or-nothing sort of thing, which is one of the reasons why I think I tend toward monogamous relationships. It is very easy for me to form a relationship in which one person means the world. What's harder for me is friendship: how do people navigate the grey areas of being close but not too close? What can you tell a friend and what can you not? What is too much information? What can you rely on them for?

It's why I spend a lot of evenings in, rather than going to one party or another. Social settings with tons of people who fit somewhere on the acquaintance----good-friend continuum, not to mention a whole bunch of strangers. Mix that with some social anxiety and you have a result that's not exactly my idea of a good time.

But then I also have nights like tonight, where all I really want is for someone to knock on my door and ask if everything's all right. But to ask it in a way that tells me that they already know and I don't need to explain to them that no, there is not a rational explanation for why I feel like curling up in my bed and doing nothing at all. But that would be overstepping the friendship bounds, wouldn't it? You say the word "depression" around anyone here and they shrink back, not sure what to do or how to help or even if they should help. It's almost as if they think "well, if I do something wrong I might break it, so I just won't touch it because that will help, right?" Even though it's that very thing, the not-touching, that makes this place horrible.

And so I curl up into a ball on my bed and wish that J were here, but know that I can't ask it of her because she has her own stress and her own life. To request she spend ten hours in the car this weekend on my behalf would be unfair. Tonight, while no fun, isn't a night where I absolutely need her here.

em_brett: (elephant)
J came to visit this weekend and I made the world of food for her. First I made Mexican hot chocolate cupcakes (adapted from a couple recipes in Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World, which seriously people, if you don't own it, you should) as a "congratulations you're employed!" present. They were awesome.

Then on Saturday we went to the Bennington Farmer's Market, where a wonderful baker gave us two baguettes for the price of one, and another farmer gave J two pablano peppers for free because she was admiring them while I was picking out acorn squash. She told him she was happy to pay for them, to which he replied, "sure, you could pay for them, but they're a gift." Farmer's markets and Bennington are some of the best places in the world.

Then we made soup!

So here are the recipes. The acorn squash, along with some beautiful purple carrots and a couple of parsnips, turned into the world of soup (seriously it made like 8 servings).

That recipe is here: )

The cupcakes were similarly awesome. Also spicy. Also delicious.

Also here. )

Recipes crossposted to [community profile] omnomnom , as usual.

em_brett: (dance)
Today is J and my one-year anniversary. We are celebrating by recovering from food poisoning. By "we," of course, I mean J is recovering and I am purchasing the soup and ginger ale. Hooray! Actually celebratory dinner has been postponed.

She was rather distressed (aside from the stomach ache) until I pointed out that my gift to her (tickets for BSO at Tanglewood plus overnight in a cabin) was a full month ago, so dinner can be a few days late. So now tonight is hangout night. Impromptu dance party?

Interestingly enough, this is my first anniversary of any sort, ever. I rather enjoy it -- it's kind of like a birthday, except one you get to share (is this what it feels like to be a twin?) and celebrate with someone else, someone who means quite a lot. So really, staying in's alright with me.

Perhaps I'll get her to watch Children of Earth with me?

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em_brett: (Default)
Emilia Brett

December 2009

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